Hate-Watching "Immortals" (2011)
Jul. 29th, 2017 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aikateriniSo, several years after the movie came out, I finally sat down and watched Tarsem Singh's 'Greek mythical epic' movie, "Immortals." Not because I wanted to, but because I was constantly badgered by someone who knew that I would hate the movie on account of its stupidity and Greek mythology errors and wanted me to make fun of it.
Well, what do you know? I did hate it. I thought that it was so bad that I couldn't finish it. I walked away and didn't come back.
So, here are my incomplete and disjointed thoughts on that trainwreck of a movie.
• Why is everything so dark? Yes, I get that this takes place in a time period before light bulbs were invented, but in every scene that takes place at night, I can barely see anyone.
• Why is this entire village built into the cliff of a desert island? Yes, I know that several Greek islands have houses basically built on top of each other (Santorini is one example), but seriously, who'd want to live here?
• John Hurt, why are you in this movie?
• Theseus, played by Henry Cavill, is being picked on by others for being born out of wedlock, because that seems to be a common thing in deconstructions/reinterpretations of Greek mythology. Just once, I'd like to see a version of a Greek myth where instead of everyone claiming that a hero's mother is lying about banging a god, they just take it at face value because it's so darn common in Greek mythology. "Oh, your father is Zeus? Yeah, I knew a man whose grandmother banged Poseidon." Seriously, it's like regular people in the DC or Marvel universe dismissing a new superhero as bogus.
• And Theseus’s father is supposed to be Zeus here? Depending on which version of the myth you read, Theseus’s father is King Aegeus, Poseidon, or both (yes, really). So, why did they change his father to Zeus?
• Also, it's with Theseus that the movie starts to shove a bunch of anachronisms into the setting. Because, you see, Theseus doesn't believe that the gods exist or he's not sure if they do. Despite being a man living in an Ancient Greek society, he's basically portrayed as a 21st century agnostic (or atheist, the film never can decide which one he is). And Aethra, his mother, is portrayed as a doting Christian living in the 21st century, what with her constantly being described as a 'woman of faith' and telling him to 'keep faith' and him scoffing at her – movie, what are you on? Had your writers read any Ancient Greek myths or epics prior to making you? Since when were Ancient Greek heroes stressing out about believing in the gods or uncertain of their existence or told to 'have faith in the unknown' or whatnot? This isn't a Hallmark Channel movie for Christians; this is supposed to be a retelling of the myth of Theseus!
• Mickey Rourke plays the villain of the movie, King Hyperion, who's the leader of the Heraklions. First, the Heraklions are meant to be Cretans (Heraklion is a town in Crete), so why aren't they called the Minoans? Second of all, in the myth, Minos was the king of Crete at the time (that's where the term 'Minoans' comes from). Why the heck did they rename him Hyperion, which was the name of one of the Titans and the original sun god before Apollo came along?
• Second of all, this king has nothing to do with Minos. He doesn't have a daughter who helps Theseus, and the Minotaur isn't his stepson. His motivation is that his family was murdered and the gods did nothing, so...he gladly tortures and murders other families in his quest to rule the world or something. So, if that backstory was supposed to make him sympathetic, the writers failed.
• He wants this special bow that also never comes up in the Theseus myth and he wants to release the Titans, because...that's what Hades did in Disney's version of "Hercules?" Oh, no, wait, it's because Hyperion is mad at the gods for not saving his family, so he'll spite them by releasing the Titans. Even though the Titans are basically gods as well, so...
• Yeah, Hyperion is just a mess. Mickey Rourke plays him up to be as repulsive as possible. He's constantly chewing and spitting out food, makes gratuitously sexual remarks, tortures people, sets a priest on fire, etc. He's just meant to be evil. That's it.
• So, the villagers hear that Hyperion is coming and plan to evacuate. For some reason, peasants have to wait until the next day while the rich leave first...why?
• Oh, it's so that one of the soldiers can insult Theseus and Aethra, Theseus can punch him in the face, the other soldiers can attack him (because clearly this is the biggest priority right now), and their leader can come in and reward Theseus for his aggression by firing the rude soldier and hiring Theseus to take his place. Because...the plot said so.
• So, apparently, the rude soldier, Lysander, is so upset over being let go (even though there's a crazy, bloodthirsty king on his way – seriously, does nobody remember that?) that he kills two of his former comrades and scurries off to Hyperion to betray his people.
• Gee, a mistreated member of an invaded people running off and betraying them to the leader of their enemies? Yeah, this film's totally not trying to be "300."
• But Hyperion is unimpressed with Lysander, and after a long speech, orders one of his guards to smash Lysander in the nuts with a hammer. I am so not kidding about that.
• And guess what? Lysander continues to help him anyway! That's the excellent logic of this movie. One man fires you, kill your comrades and betray your people to your enemy. Another man basically castrates you, continue to help him out!
• So, Hyperion's army arrives and Theseus sees one of them grabbing his mother. He yells and starts fighting everyone like a loon, gets captured, and then Hyperion shows up and good grief. What the heck is he wearing?!
• Seriously, his helmet looks like an oversized Venus flytrap. How the heck did Mickey Rourke get that on his head without hurting himself? And the top of the helmet has two giant pincer claws like a crab – who the heck designed this thing?!
• So, for absolutely no reason, Hyperion sees Theseus struggling and decides to personally and slowly kill Aethra himself. And then tells his soldiers to take Theseus captive and says that 'he'll suffer.' Why is Hyperion taking such a big interest in Theseus? Why is he treating him as someone important? What was the need for him to be sadistic instead of just swiftly killing Aethra and getting it over with? Just because Theseus killed a few of his soldiers?
• Oh, wait, it's because Hyperion magically sensed that Theseus was the protagonist of this movie. So, of course he knows that Theseus is important.
• And so that Theseus could have a reason to avenge himself and go after Hyperion. Because apparently Hyperion storming in and slaughtering everyone wasn't enough of a reason. No, Theseus is the poor, picked-on outcast here, so why should he care about anyone else? His mother needed to die in order to get him to act like a hero.
• Oh, and John Hurt's character? The old man who trained Theseus to fight (and Theseus never calls him by name, keeps calling him 'old man' – really?) turns out to be Zeus. Seriously.
• And he's played by Luke Evans. And he's joined by Athena, who's dressed like a supermodel and looks like she could be his sister. What?
• Look, I know that the gods are immortal and whatever. And yes, I know that in a lot of Hades/Persephone fanart, the artists make Hades look like a younger man so that his relationship with Persephone doesn't seem as squicky. But come on, this is Zeus? He's Athena's father. Were the filmmakers thinking of Tolkien's elves?
• So, Zeus has been watching Theseus the whole time while disguised as an old man. But when Athena and other gods ask if they can help, he sternly tells them that they can't intervene. Because that is the 'law.' And what is the law, may you ask? Gods are not allowed to interfere with humans.
• Yeah, just let that sink in for a bit. The Greek gods do not interfere with humans. The Greek gods. Who regularly boink mortals and make hundreds of babies. The Greek gods. Whose interference with mortals caused a little thing called the Trojan War. The Greek gods are not allowed to intervene. They're just supposed to sit and watch.
• Because they 'work in mysterious ways' and – oh, are you kidding me?! The writers are once again shoving in a Christian context into this where it does. Not. Work. The Greek gods do intervene. That's part of what makes Greek myths so exciting and fun! But no, no, there's no fun to be found here. No, this is "300" trying to be philosophical by making Theseus an agnostic for no reason and making the villain a misotheist.
• So, why was Zeus allowed to 'intervene' by training Theseus? Why, it's because he left himself a handy little loophole! Theseus didn't know it was Zeus who was training him because he was disguised as an old man. So, really, the law is 'don't meddle with mortals while showing them who you are.'
• And if anybody disobeys this rule? Zeus says that he'll kill them. Umm, you're Greek gods. You're immortal. You can't die. You want to find gods that can die, look to other world mythologies.
• And what is the point of this rule? Why can't you openly help people?
• Oh, wait, that's right, because the Judeo-Christian God hides himself from view, so of course you guys do. Even though that doesn't fit at all with how you guys act in Greek mythology.
• And Zeus tells them to 'have faith' in mankind, oh, bite me. As far as I can tell, you guys look like a bunch of bored supermodels. You should not be making me agree with the villain.
• So, Theseus is thrown in with a bunch of other men, including Stephen Dorff, who plays a thief named Stavros.
• Then the 'Oracles' show up and...oh, dear Lord. Why is one of the Oracles wearing a lampshade on her head?!
• Because she is! She totally is! A red lampshade that looks like she found it in an antique shop.
• I have to give credit to the movie, so far I've just been nauseated and bored and angry with this film. But between this and Hyperion's helmet...I'm just rolling around in laughter. Seriously, who was the costume designer for this movie?
• No disrespect to Stephen Dorff, but I want his character to die. Stavros has two personality traits: lecherous creep who hits on the 'Oracles' (and makes this film 'edgy' and 'gritty' with his gratuitous sexual comments, just like Hyperion did) or who serves as a foil to Theseus by scoffing at the gods.
• And one of the 'Oracles' is played by a black woman and the real Oracle (the other three are just there to confuse people as to who the real Oracle is) is played by Freida Pinto, an Indian woman. Because in a movie based on Greek mythology set in Ancient Greece, it makes so much sense to have a random black woman and an Indian woman there. I'm just waiting for Hollywood to make a movie based on a Japanese myth and throw these two in there to play miko. Because that would make just as much sense as this does.
• So, of course, the real Oracle foresees that Theseus is 'the one'. She enacts a plan with him and the others to escape from the guards which involves...the four Oracles doing a prayer circle. Or swaying back and forth. Or whatever the heck it is that they're doing.
• And what language are they speaking when the four talk together?
• So, because it's night and I can't see anything, I don't even know what the heck happened. Theseus and his new buddies escaped with the real Oracle, but the other three were left behind and I don't know why. How did they escape? What happened?
• So, then the camera flies to Olympus and good Lord. That's Olympus?!
• It's nothing but a bunch of supermodels sitting on the edge of a pitch-black cliff! Or wherever the heck they are. There's no light there either!
• Dear Lord, if Olympus was anything like this in the myths, then no wonder the gods visited the mortal world so often!
• Seriously, there's nothing there. No palaces. No thrones. No rainbows. No sun. It's just everyone sitting or standing on the edge of a cliff while it's pitch-black out.
• That's Poseidon? He looks just as young as Zeus, as young as Athena and what the heck is he wearing on his head?!
• While it's nice that one of the gods is finally doing something (Poseidon is causing a huge tidal wave to sweep over Hyperion's guards and let Theseus and his friends escape), why is it only happening now? Where the heck were you guys when Hyperion was slaughtering a village and taking over everything?
• Oh, right, you couldn't do anything because of Zeus's random and stupid law. But now that your favorite mortal is in trouble, you get off your bum to do something. Nice.
• Theseus wants to go after Hyperion, but the Oracle has a vision and says that he needs to go back and bury his mother's body. It really says something when Theseus has to be told by a vision to do something decent. Because don't you know, he's an atheist, so he doesn't believe in stupid things like burial rites! But his mom was a believer, so he'll do it for her. Bite me, movie.
• And stop talking about monks and monasteries! You're in Ancient Greece, for crying out loud! Christianity is not a thing yet!
• Stop calling him a monk! The poor man that Hyperion set on fire was a priest! There were priests in Ancient Greece, so just keep calling all of the religious men that! Christianity does not exist yet! Stop shoehorning it into everything!
• Stop calling it a monastery – oh, my Lord, this movie is going to be the death of me.
• And after Theseus buries his mom, he just so happens to find a big rock, takes it apart, and just so happens to finds the Epirus Bow inside. Otherwise known as the plot device that the villain wants.
• So, let me get this straight. Theseus never needed to leave his village to find it? None of this was necessary? And nobody else noticed the giant rock in the mausoleum?
• And now...the moment is here. The moment that everyone has been waiting for. That everyone who's heard even the tiniest bit about Theseus knows about.
• The Minotaur. Who's now...a big man in a mask.
• No, that's it. That's all he is. Just a big man in a wire bull's mask who grunts and hollers. He's not even called the Minotaur, Hyperion refers to him as 'the Beast.'
• Because in a movie where gods can shapeshift and cause tidal waves, a monster that's half-bull and half-man is just too unrealistic.
• Never mind that the Minotaur is the most famous part of the Theseus myth. Again, anybody who's ever heard of Theseus knows who the Minotaur is! Perseus had Medusa and Theseus has the Minotaur! You cannot talk about one without mentioning the other! I mean, for crying out loud, even the dumb remake of “Clash of the Titans” did a better job with Medusa! Sure, she was pretty instead of ugly, but at least she still had a serpentine body and snakes for hair and could turn people into stone when they looked at her!
• And all that the writers did with the Minotaur was make him the villain's henchman. That's the only reason why he's here. Hyperion sent him to go back to Theseus's island and he just randomly showed up out of nowhere while Theseus was burying his mother in the crypt.
• Oh, did I mention the crypt? Yeah, the crypt where Theseus buries his mom is the Labyrinth now. Yeah, Theseus doesn't travel to Crete to kill the Minotaur to save the Athenians from being sacrificed and navigate through the Labyrinth with the help of Ariadne's twine. No, the 'Beast' just shows up at his doorstep because the villain told him to. Dear Lord.
• And what's even more ridiculous is that their fight is not even the climax of the film. Because, after all, the 'Minotaur' is just a flunky here. So, their fight lasts for less than 10 minutes and Theseus kills him by bashing him over the head with a club.
• Yeah, he doesn't even use the special, sparkly bow to kill him. Theseus just repeatedly clobbers him with a club. And then decapitates him with it. That's the big fight with the Minotaur. What a letdown.
• And then Theseus uses the bow to save his friends from being attacked by more soldiers and brings the Minotaur's head with him for no reason – oh, no, it's so that he could throw it into the sea for no reason – and then faints and then wakes up to see the Oracle tending to him and then talks about his mom, and then the Oracle – for no reason, given that she, Theseus, and the audience know that she'll lose her power of prophecy if she's not a virgin anymore (because of course that's how her powers work) – just randomly takes off her clothes (because she’s totally in love with Theseus now and it’s totally worth it to give up her powers to bang him), giving me an oh-so-wonderful view of her bare rear, and – argh! I can't take it anymore! *storms off*
• What the heck was that?! How on earth do you adapt the story of Theseus and make it bleak and boring? What’s even the point of calling your hero Theseus if most of the movie has nothing to do with the myth? The original story already gave you a plot to work with, so why you are throwing in this random stuff about Titans, a psychotic king who wants to take over everything, agnosticism, and magic bows, when they don’t have anything to do with the story?
• What the heck did you do to the Minotaur? One of the most famous monsters of Greek mythology and you turn him into a random thug with a bull mask?!
• This movie just wants to show off its elaborate and ridiculous costumes, be a ‘grown-up’ version of the Greek myths by throwing in gratuitous crudity and violence, and copy “300” and “Clash of the Titans.” It is horrible and I have no desire to finish it. I am done.
Well, what do you know? I did hate it. I thought that it was so bad that I couldn't finish it. I walked away and didn't come back.
So, here are my incomplete and disjointed thoughts on that trainwreck of a movie.
• Why is everything so dark? Yes, I get that this takes place in a time period before light bulbs were invented, but in every scene that takes place at night, I can barely see anyone.
• Why is this entire village built into the cliff of a desert island? Yes, I know that several Greek islands have houses basically built on top of each other (Santorini is one example), but seriously, who'd want to live here?
• John Hurt, why are you in this movie?
• Theseus, played by Henry Cavill, is being picked on by others for being born out of wedlock, because that seems to be a common thing in deconstructions/reinterpretations of Greek mythology. Just once, I'd like to see a version of a Greek myth where instead of everyone claiming that a hero's mother is lying about banging a god, they just take it at face value because it's so darn common in Greek mythology. "Oh, your father is Zeus? Yeah, I knew a man whose grandmother banged Poseidon." Seriously, it's like regular people in the DC or Marvel universe dismissing a new superhero as bogus.
• And Theseus’s father is supposed to be Zeus here? Depending on which version of the myth you read, Theseus’s father is King Aegeus, Poseidon, or both (yes, really). So, why did they change his father to Zeus?
• Also, it's with Theseus that the movie starts to shove a bunch of anachronisms into the setting. Because, you see, Theseus doesn't believe that the gods exist or he's not sure if they do. Despite being a man living in an Ancient Greek society, he's basically portrayed as a 21st century agnostic (or atheist, the film never can decide which one he is). And Aethra, his mother, is portrayed as a doting Christian living in the 21st century, what with her constantly being described as a 'woman of faith' and telling him to 'keep faith' and him scoffing at her – movie, what are you on? Had your writers read any Ancient Greek myths or epics prior to making you? Since when were Ancient Greek heroes stressing out about believing in the gods or uncertain of their existence or told to 'have faith in the unknown' or whatnot? This isn't a Hallmark Channel movie for Christians; this is supposed to be a retelling of the myth of Theseus!
• Mickey Rourke plays the villain of the movie, King Hyperion, who's the leader of the Heraklions. First, the Heraklions are meant to be Cretans (Heraklion is a town in Crete), so why aren't they called the Minoans? Second of all, in the myth, Minos was the king of Crete at the time (that's where the term 'Minoans' comes from). Why the heck did they rename him Hyperion, which was the name of one of the Titans and the original sun god before Apollo came along?
• Second of all, this king has nothing to do with Minos. He doesn't have a daughter who helps Theseus, and the Minotaur isn't his stepson. His motivation is that his family was murdered and the gods did nothing, so...he gladly tortures and murders other families in his quest to rule the world or something. So, if that backstory was supposed to make him sympathetic, the writers failed.
• He wants this special bow that also never comes up in the Theseus myth and he wants to release the Titans, because...that's what Hades did in Disney's version of "Hercules?" Oh, no, wait, it's because Hyperion is mad at the gods for not saving his family, so he'll spite them by releasing the Titans. Even though the Titans are basically gods as well, so...
• Yeah, Hyperion is just a mess. Mickey Rourke plays him up to be as repulsive as possible. He's constantly chewing and spitting out food, makes gratuitously sexual remarks, tortures people, sets a priest on fire, etc. He's just meant to be evil. That's it.
• So, the villagers hear that Hyperion is coming and plan to evacuate. For some reason, peasants have to wait until the next day while the rich leave first...why?
• Oh, it's so that one of the soldiers can insult Theseus and Aethra, Theseus can punch him in the face, the other soldiers can attack him (because clearly this is the biggest priority right now), and their leader can come in and reward Theseus for his aggression by firing the rude soldier and hiring Theseus to take his place. Because...the plot said so.
• So, apparently, the rude soldier, Lysander, is so upset over being let go (even though there's a crazy, bloodthirsty king on his way – seriously, does nobody remember that?) that he kills two of his former comrades and scurries off to Hyperion to betray his people.
• Gee, a mistreated member of an invaded people running off and betraying them to the leader of their enemies? Yeah, this film's totally not trying to be "300."
• But Hyperion is unimpressed with Lysander, and after a long speech, orders one of his guards to smash Lysander in the nuts with a hammer. I am so not kidding about that.
• And guess what? Lysander continues to help him anyway! That's the excellent logic of this movie. One man fires you, kill your comrades and betray your people to your enemy. Another man basically castrates you, continue to help him out!
• So, Hyperion's army arrives and Theseus sees one of them grabbing his mother. He yells and starts fighting everyone like a loon, gets captured, and then Hyperion shows up and good grief. What the heck is he wearing?!
• Seriously, his helmet looks like an oversized Venus flytrap. How the heck did Mickey Rourke get that on his head without hurting himself? And the top of the helmet has two giant pincer claws like a crab – who the heck designed this thing?!
• So, for absolutely no reason, Hyperion sees Theseus struggling and decides to personally and slowly kill Aethra himself. And then tells his soldiers to take Theseus captive and says that 'he'll suffer.' Why is Hyperion taking such a big interest in Theseus? Why is he treating him as someone important? What was the need for him to be sadistic instead of just swiftly killing Aethra and getting it over with? Just because Theseus killed a few of his soldiers?
• Oh, wait, it's because Hyperion magically sensed that Theseus was the protagonist of this movie. So, of course he knows that Theseus is important.
• And so that Theseus could have a reason to avenge himself and go after Hyperion. Because apparently Hyperion storming in and slaughtering everyone wasn't enough of a reason. No, Theseus is the poor, picked-on outcast here, so why should he care about anyone else? His mother needed to die in order to get him to act like a hero.
• Oh, and John Hurt's character? The old man who trained Theseus to fight (and Theseus never calls him by name, keeps calling him 'old man' – really?) turns out to be Zeus. Seriously.
• And he's played by Luke Evans. And he's joined by Athena, who's dressed like a supermodel and looks like she could be his sister. What?
• Look, I know that the gods are immortal and whatever. And yes, I know that in a lot of Hades/Persephone fanart, the artists make Hades look like a younger man so that his relationship with Persephone doesn't seem as squicky. But come on, this is Zeus? He's Athena's father. Were the filmmakers thinking of Tolkien's elves?
• So, Zeus has been watching Theseus the whole time while disguised as an old man. But when Athena and other gods ask if they can help, he sternly tells them that they can't intervene. Because that is the 'law.' And what is the law, may you ask? Gods are not allowed to interfere with humans.
• Yeah, just let that sink in for a bit. The Greek gods do not interfere with humans. The Greek gods. Who regularly boink mortals and make hundreds of babies. The Greek gods. Whose interference with mortals caused a little thing called the Trojan War. The Greek gods are not allowed to intervene. They're just supposed to sit and watch.
• Because they 'work in mysterious ways' and – oh, are you kidding me?! The writers are once again shoving in a Christian context into this where it does. Not. Work. The Greek gods do intervene. That's part of what makes Greek myths so exciting and fun! But no, no, there's no fun to be found here. No, this is "300" trying to be philosophical by making Theseus an agnostic for no reason and making the villain a misotheist.
• So, why was Zeus allowed to 'intervene' by training Theseus? Why, it's because he left himself a handy little loophole! Theseus didn't know it was Zeus who was training him because he was disguised as an old man. So, really, the law is 'don't meddle with mortals while showing them who you are.'
• And if anybody disobeys this rule? Zeus says that he'll kill them. Umm, you're Greek gods. You're immortal. You can't die. You want to find gods that can die, look to other world mythologies.
• And what is the point of this rule? Why can't you openly help people?
• Oh, wait, that's right, because the Judeo-Christian God hides himself from view, so of course you guys do. Even though that doesn't fit at all with how you guys act in Greek mythology.
• And Zeus tells them to 'have faith' in mankind, oh, bite me. As far as I can tell, you guys look like a bunch of bored supermodels. You should not be making me agree with the villain.
• So, Theseus is thrown in with a bunch of other men, including Stephen Dorff, who plays a thief named Stavros.
• Then the 'Oracles' show up and...oh, dear Lord. Why is one of the Oracles wearing a lampshade on her head?!
• Because she is! She totally is! A red lampshade that looks like she found it in an antique shop.
• I have to give credit to the movie, so far I've just been nauseated and bored and angry with this film. But between this and Hyperion's helmet...I'm just rolling around in laughter. Seriously, who was the costume designer for this movie?
• No disrespect to Stephen Dorff, but I want his character to die. Stavros has two personality traits: lecherous creep who hits on the 'Oracles' (and makes this film 'edgy' and 'gritty' with his gratuitous sexual comments, just like Hyperion did) or who serves as a foil to Theseus by scoffing at the gods.
• And one of the 'Oracles' is played by a black woman and the real Oracle (the other three are just there to confuse people as to who the real Oracle is) is played by Freida Pinto, an Indian woman. Because in a movie based on Greek mythology set in Ancient Greece, it makes so much sense to have a random black woman and an Indian woman there. I'm just waiting for Hollywood to make a movie based on a Japanese myth and throw these two in there to play miko. Because that would make just as much sense as this does.
• So, of course, the real Oracle foresees that Theseus is 'the one'. She enacts a plan with him and the others to escape from the guards which involves...the four Oracles doing a prayer circle. Or swaying back and forth. Or whatever the heck it is that they're doing.
• And what language are they speaking when the four talk together?
• So, because it's night and I can't see anything, I don't even know what the heck happened. Theseus and his new buddies escaped with the real Oracle, but the other three were left behind and I don't know why. How did they escape? What happened?
• So, then the camera flies to Olympus and good Lord. That's Olympus?!
• It's nothing but a bunch of supermodels sitting on the edge of a pitch-black cliff! Or wherever the heck they are. There's no light there either!
• Dear Lord, if Olympus was anything like this in the myths, then no wonder the gods visited the mortal world so often!
• Seriously, there's nothing there. No palaces. No thrones. No rainbows. No sun. It's just everyone sitting or standing on the edge of a cliff while it's pitch-black out.
• That's Poseidon? He looks just as young as Zeus, as young as Athena and what the heck is he wearing on his head?!
• While it's nice that one of the gods is finally doing something (Poseidon is causing a huge tidal wave to sweep over Hyperion's guards and let Theseus and his friends escape), why is it only happening now? Where the heck were you guys when Hyperion was slaughtering a village and taking over everything?
• Oh, right, you couldn't do anything because of Zeus's random and stupid law. But now that your favorite mortal is in trouble, you get off your bum to do something. Nice.
• Theseus wants to go after Hyperion, but the Oracle has a vision and says that he needs to go back and bury his mother's body. It really says something when Theseus has to be told by a vision to do something decent. Because don't you know, he's an atheist, so he doesn't believe in stupid things like burial rites! But his mom was a believer, so he'll do it for her. Bite me, movie.
• And stop talking about monks and monasteries! You're in Ancient Greece, for crying out loud! Christianity is not a thing yet!
• Stop calling him a monk! The poor man that Hyperion set on fire was a priest! There were priests in Ancient Greece, so just keep calling all of the religious men that! Christianity does not exist yet! Stop shoehorning it into everything!
• Stop calling it a monastery – oh, my Lord, this movie is going to be the death of me.
• And after Theseus buries his mom, he just so happens to find a big rock, takes it apart, and just so happens to finds the Epirus Bow inside. Otherwise known as the plot device that the villain wants.
• So, let me get this straight. Theseus never needed to leave his village to find it? None of this was necessary? And nobody else noticed the giant rock in the mausoleum?
• And now...the moment is here. The moment that everyone has been waiting for. That everyone who's heard even the tiniest bit about Theseus knows about.
• The Minotaur. Who's now...a big man in a mask.
• No, that's it. That's all he is. Just a big man in a wire bull's mask who grunts and hollers. He's not even called the Minotaur, Hyperion refers to him as 'the Beast.'
• Because in a movie where gods can shapeshift and cause tidal waves, a monster that's half-bull and half-man is just too unrealistic.
• Never mind that the Minotaur is the most famous part of the Theseus myth. Again, anybody who's ever heard of Theseus knows who the Minotaur is! Perseus had Medusa and Theseus has the Minotaur! You cannot talk about one without mentioning the other! I mean, for crying out loud, even the dumb remake of “Clash of the Titans” did a better job with Medusa! Sure, she was pretty instead of ugly, but at least she still had a serpentine body and snakes for hair and could turn people into stone when they looked at her!
• And all that the writers did with the Minotaur was make him the villain's henchman. That's the only reason why he's here. Hyperion sent him to go back to Theseus's island and he just randomly showed up out of nowhere while Theseus was burying his mother in the crypt.
• Oh, did I mention the crypt? Yeah, the crypt where Theseus buries his mom is the Labyrinth now. Yeah, Theseus doesn't travel to Crete to kill the Minotaur to save the Athenians from being sacrificed and navigate through the Labyrinth with the help of Ariadne's twine. No, the 'Beast' just shows up at his doorstep because the villain told him to. Dear Lord.
• And what's even more ridiculous is that their fight is not even the climax of the film. Because, after all, the 'Minotaur' is just a flunky here. So, their fight lasts for less than 10 minutes and Theseus kills him by bashing him over the head with a club.
• Yeah, he doesn't even use the special, sparkly bow to kill him. Theseus just repeatedly clobbers him with a club. And then decapitates him with it. That's the big fight with the Minotaur. What a letdown.
• And then Theseus uses the bow to save his friends from being attacked by more soldiers and brings the Minotaur's head with him for no reason – oh, no, it's so that he could throw it into the sea for no reason – and then faints and then wakes up to see the Oracle tending to him and then talks about his mom, and then the Oracle – for no reason, given that she, Theseus, and the audience know that she'll lose her power of prophecy if she's not a virgin anymore (because of course that's how her powers work) – just randomly takes off her clothes (because she’s totally in love with Theseus now and it’s totally worth it to give up her powers to bang him), giving me an oh-so-wonderful view of her bare rear, and – argh! I can't take it anymore! *storms off*
• What the heck was that?! How on earth do you adapt the story of Theseus and make it bleak and boring? What’s even the point of calling your hero Theseus if most of the movie has nothing to do with the myth? The original story already gave you a plot to work with, so why you are throwing in this random stuff about Titans, a psychotic king who wants to take over everything, agnosticism, and magic bows, when they don’t have anything to do with the story?
• What the heck did you do to the Minotaur? One of the most famous monsters of Greek mythology and you turn him into a random thug with a bull mask?!
• This movie just wants to show off its elaborate and ridiculous costumes, be a ‘grown-up’ version of the Greek myths by throwing in gratuitous crudity and violence, and copy “300” and “Clash of the Titans.” It is horrible and I have no desire to finish it. I am done.
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Date: 2022-06-12 02:36 pm (UTC)I had also ragequit because I had torrented it and thought it was too dark and I could not see. I thought it was the result of a bad copy. :(